Journey of Love
by Creassya1
Summary: It's Monica's wedding day, and everyone is invited, including Chandler. Monica is about to marry a guy named Tyler Montgomery.What's going to happen?
1. Monica's Wedding Day

MONICA'S WEDDING DAY  
  
BY CREASSYA  
  
  
  
This is my Journey of Love series. It's Monica's wedding day, and everyone is invited, including Chandler. Monica is about to marry a guy named Tyler Montgomery, who was Chandler's roommate in college for six months. Tyler moved in for six months when Ross moved out their senior year. Chandler and Monica dated for four months years ago, but the relationship ended when Chandler started acting weird about the two of them being serious. Monica was hurt when Chandler didn't want to further their relationship. They still remained friends, pretending that they were over one another. Now, Chandler stands at the closed doors of the church deciding on whether he should go in......  
  
  
I still can't believe I'm standing here. How can she being marrying someone else? Part of me wants to go in and stop the wedding, but the other part of me doesn't have the guts. I want her to be happy. So I should go in and show her that I'm still a good friend. I take a deep breath, and push open the door. I slowly walk in the church until I reach another set of doors. From the other side, I can hear the minister speaking. They haven't said their vowed yet. What am I doing here? I still love Monica. I can't watch her marry someone else. I should be the one standing up there about to marry her, but instead I wrecked the best thing that's ever happened to me. Although it was years ago, I can't seem to let it go. I was too immature for a serious relationship, and I wasn't willing to grow up and face my fear of commitment. This is indeed the saddest day of my life. The woman I love more than anything is about to belong to another man, and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it. I walk through the doors just as the minister asks the question, do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? At the sight of her in her wedding dress, I felt as if someone had knocked all the wind out of me. I wanted to run down the aisle and tell her not to marry Tyler. She looked directly at me. I stood there, unable to take my seat. I was paralyzed. She looked surprised to see me. The minister asked her the question again. She didn't answer. She kept her eyes on me. I was glad that she couldn't see the tears in my eyes, but I'm sure everyone else could see. Their eyes were now on me too. I was extremely nervous and uneasy. What I'm I doing here? I asked myself again. She finally turned her gazed away from me and looked at her fiance'.  
  
"Tyler....I'm....I'm sorry, I can't do this," she said with tears in her eyes.  
  
The people who were gathered couldn't believe what they were witnessing. Tyler stood in front of Monica looking shocked, along with me and everyone else in the church. I'm standing here with my hands in my pockets, waiting to see what's about to happen next.  
  
"Monica, what's going on?" Tyler asked.  
  
"I just can't marry you, I'm so sorry."  
  
Tyler glared at her, and seconds later, he stormed down the aisle. I moved out of the way, feeling relieved at what Monica had just done. I watched as she tried her best not to cry. She stood at the alter and apologizes to everyone and thanks them for coming. She won't look at me now. The gang goes over to comfort her, but I just stand there staring at her. I'm still shocked at what happened. I can see that she's trying to hold herself together, but it won't be long before she breaks down.  
  
Twenty minutes later, I'm still standing in the back of the church watching Monica. The gang finally leaves her alone. They walk pass me without a word. They knew what a tough time I was having with Monica getting married. I don't know if she's aware that I'm still here because she hadn't turned around to look at me. She's sitting in the very first pew. For the first time since I arrived, I'm able to move. I slowly walk to where she's sitting. When I reach her, I stand in front of her. She doesn't acknowledge my presence, so I kneel in front of her. She keeps her head down so I take my hand and put my finger under her chin to lift her head up. She looks at me with tears in her eyes. I don't know what to say. She leans over and we hug. I hold her tightly in my arms while she cries.  
  
Seconds later, I pulled back. Since Chandler and I broke up, I haven't been able to hug him for more than a couple of seconds. My feelings for him still looms over me like clouds on a rainy day. I can see the concern in his eyes. He takes my hand in his and I stifle the urge to snatch it away. I still love Chandler, but when he touches me, part of me likes it, but the other part of me gets angry. I still carry around a bit of anger from our break up. I've never mentioned this to anyone. I see his eyes watering. He's always hated to see me in pain. Joey told me that Chandler cried a lot when we broke up. I don't know why, but it was hard for me to believe. Not now though.  
  
"I'm sorry about this Mon."  
  
"So am I."  
  
"I hate to see you like this."  
  
"I'll be all right. I've been through worst," I said with a slight touch of anger.  
  
"You ready to go?"  
  
"I just wanna make sure everyone's gone first."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"You don't have to stay."  
  
"I want to."  
  
I want to yell at him and tell him to leave me alone, but his heart is in the right place. Chandler is the sweetest guy I've ever met, but sometimes when I look at him, I instantly become irritated. I never expressed how angry I was at him for throwing away what we had together, which I realize now, was a huge mistake. Now I'm forced to carry around anger that I've been holding in for years. He could barely face me after we broke up. I try really hard not to think about that day, but ever since I've been engaged, it's all I think about. Chandler and I never talked about that day. We didn't want to. Well, I really can't speak for the both of us, but I didn't want to talk about it. It was really painful for me to lose him as my boyfriend. I'm just glad that we were able to remain friends. I look down at his hand covering mine, and tears began to leave my eyes. Why did he have to be such a jerk before? We were so good together. We got along really well. Why did you do this to us? I silently scream at him. He took his left hand and put it to my face to wipe the tears away. Here I am, on my wedding day, which is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and I'm crying my eyes out. Not because I'm happy, but because I'm miserable. I just broke up with my fiance' in front of all our friends and family, and all I can do is sit here and wish that Chandler and I had stayed together. I love Tyler, but not enough to marry him. I should have never accepted his proposal, knowing that I wasn't over Chandler. It was incredibly stupid of me to do.  
  
"Chandler, you really don't have to stay."  
  
"I know. I just wouldn't feel comfortable leaving you like this."  
  
Well, you certainly didn't feel that way when we broke up, I wanted to say. I don't like carrying around this anger toward Chandler, but I can't help the way I feel. This anger I feel has consumed me and I hate it. I watch Chandler's face. I can tell he's searching for something else to say, but he's at a lost for words.  
  
"I appreciate this Chandler."  
  
"I'm always here, remember that."  
  
"I know."  
  
I was waiting for Chandler to ask me why I didn't go through with the wedding, but he didn't. I'm sure it's on his mind though. I know everyone's dying to know why I broke it off, but I won't mention that Chandler had a lot to do with my decision. Chandler's a tough act to follow, and I can't see any other guy in the position of being my partner for life. I made the mistake of thinking I could get over him. I don't know why. There were a number of times when I was cuddling up next to Tyler or making love to him, and Chandler would enter my mind. Especially while we were making love. Chandler was amazing in bed. The best I've ever had. No one else could compete with him. He knew exactly how to please me without me having to tell him, both in and out of bed. It's why I was so devastated when things went south. When Chandler got tired of kneeling on the floor, he sat beside me.  
  
"Mon, I'm sorry that I don't have any encouraging words right now. I don't really know what to say."  
  
"Do you think it was a mistake to break off the wedding?" I asked without looking at him.  
  
"I think you did the right thing."  
  
"In front of everyone?"  
  
"Well, no, but you were obviously having doubts."  
  
"I feel so stupid."  
  
Chandler put his arm around me, and let me put my head on his shoulder. I remember how safe I used to feel in his arms. How special I felt. Now I just feel like the biggest loser on the planet. This was not how I pictured my wedding day to be. When I told Tyler that I couldn't marry him, I could feel the disappointment coming from my mother. I never did anything right in her eyes and probably never will. I always manage to get into one dead end relationship after another. Which says a lot about me rather than the guys I've chosen to date.   
  
A half hour later, Phoebe and Rachel came back in the church to check up on me. I lifted my head up off Chandler's shoulder when they stood in front of us.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Rachel asked.  
  
"I'm a little better."  
  
"Well, everyone's gone now. Are you ready?" Phoebe asked.  
  
"Yeah, I guess. Have you seen Tyler?"  
  
"No," Phoebe answered.  
  
"Mon, what happened up there?"  
  
"I don't want to get into it right now."  
  
"We understand," Chandler said.  
  
Chandler kept his arm around me until we reached his car. I don't say a word on the drive home. I don't feel like talking. Phoebe and Rachel are conversating with Chandler about something, but I'm not really paying attention. Instead, my mind keeps drifting away. I keep replaying how I could have done things differently with Tyler. I didn't want to hurt him and I've done it in a way that he'll hate me and never forgive me. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. I wouldn't blame him if he never wanted to speak to me again.  
  
``````````````````````````````````````  
  
I waited until she fell asleep to leave her room. I quietly closed the door behind me. Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey were in the living room when I came out of Monica's room.  
  
"How is she?" Joey asked.  
  
"She's sleeping now, but she's not doing too well."  
  
"She never mentioned to us that she was having doubts," Rachel said.  
  
"Did she mention anything to you?" Joey asked.  
  
"No."  
  
As soon as I sat down, Ross walked in.  
  
"Where's Mon?"  
  
"She's in her room sleep," I answered.  
  
"What did your parents say?" Phoebe asked.  
  
"The usual. My Mom went on and on about how she's always screwing up relationships and that she would be happy if Monica could do at least one thing right in her life."  
  
I was glad I wasn't there to hear her talk about Monica like that. Ross hasn't been that successful in his relationships either, but you never hear them say anything negative about him. It pisses me off when they treat Ross like a king and Monica like a foster child. I feel so bad for Monica. I just hope her mother doesn't call to tell her exactly what she told Ross, or I'll be forced to go over there and give her a piece of my mind. It's no wonder Monica gets involved with guys like me. I had a sudden urge to go back into her room and stay there until she woke up.   
  
"This pretty brutal," Joey said.  
  
"Yeah, I couldn't take it anymore so I got out of there."  
  
"Poor Mon," Phoebe said.  
  
We all sat in silence for a while. No one had anything to say. After five minutes or so, Joey and Ross left. Phoebe left ten minutes after them, and Rachel went into her room. I sat on the couch staring up at the ceiling. All day I've been thinking about the day Monica and I broke up, but forced the images out of my head. Now, it's virtually impossible. I remember it is if it happened yesterday.....  
  
We were all in Monica and Rachel's apartment. I was playing cards with Joey, and Phoebe and Rachel were in the living room talking. Tyler and Monica walked in with big smiles on their faces. They walked past the kitchen and into the living room. They stood in front the tv holding hands. Tyler seemed more excited than Monica. I remember looking at them wondering what was going on, and why they were so happy.  
  
"Guys, we have some news," Monica said.  
  
"You're pregnant!" Phoebe blurted out.  
  
"No. The other thing."  
  
"What other thing?" Joey asked.  
  
"We're engaged!" Tyler said.  
  
My heart immediately dropped and I stopped breathing for about ten seconds. I already didn't like the idea of Tyler dating Monica, or anyone dating her, but we were good friends and he knew how I felt about Monica. I didn't realize how serious they were about each other until that moment. I remember feeling sick to my stomach. The gang went over to them to congratulate them but not me. I remained at the kitchen table. I was in shock. I was also angry. Angry with myself for letting Monica go. When the gang was through making a fuse over Tyler and Monica's engagement, I forced myself to get up out of the chair to congratulate them also. I slowly walked over to Monica with a fake smile plaster on my face, and I hugged her and told her that I was happy for her. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I also congratulated Tyler and shook his hand. What I really wanted to do was strangle him. Monica was the love of my life, and now he was taking her away. Ten minutes after that, I left. I didn't feel like going to the apartment. Instead, I went for a walk to clear my head. I stayed out for hours. When I came home, Joey was sitting on one of the stools at the counter.  
  
"Where have you been!"  
  
"Out."  
  
"Out where?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Do you know what time it is?" Joey asked.  
  
"It's time for you to stop questioning me."  
  
"It's two in the morning."  
  
"So."  
  
"So, what's going on?"  
  
"I was out, what's the big deal?"  
  
"This is about Monica and Tyler getting married isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'm sorry man."  
  
"It's nobody's fault but mine. We should still be together."  
  
"Why don't you just tell her that."  
  
"I can't do that."  
  
"Well, that's why you're sitting here instead of being in bed with Mon."  
  
He was absolutely right. I sit here staring at the ceiling, reflecting on one of the worst days of my life. I'm tired of sitting here, so I get up and go into Monica's room. She's still asleep. I sit on the edge of her bed and watch her sleep, wishing that I could lay next to her and hold her in my arms. She was asleep on her stomach with the right side her face resting on her pillow. I find myself tempted to kiss her lips. There were so many times when I had to fight the urge to just take her in my arms and kiss her. I loved kissing Monica, among other things. She was really good to me. I miss her so much. I look back at our relationship and I realize how perfect we were for each other. Things were so good between us that it scared the hell out of me. I began to push her away from me without even realizing I was doing so. I never wanted to push her away, but it's all I know how to do. I don't know how to get close. It's such a miserable feeling when you can't let that someone you love so much, get close to you. I look at her angelic face, wishing that I hadn't hurt her. Wishing that I was a better man for her. Wishing that we were still together. I know I can't change what happened in the past, but I can still be here for her as a friend. I think about us getting back together someday, and the thought scares me. I want to be everything she needs in a boyfriend. I don't want her to have any complaints. She deserves the very best, and right now I'm not it. I'm determined to be what she needs, but it'll take time. I just hope that next time she's not standing at the alter ready to marry someone else. I also hope that she still loves me. I wonder if she thinks about me the way I think about her. I even dream about her. I can't get her out of my system and I don't think I ever will. When I finally turn my gaze away from her, she wakes up. I turn my head to look at her and I can tell she surprised to see me sitting here. I offer her a weak smile, but she doesn't smile back. Instead she looks at me with those sad and lonely eyes. She looks as though she might start crying again. I quickly melt, and neither of us say a word.  
  
  
  
  
ALWAYS REMEMBER, IS UP NEXT 


	2. Always Remember

ALWAYS REMEMBER  
  
BY CREASSYA  
  
  
  
This takes place two weeks after Monica's Wedding. She and fiance' Tyler Montgomery were supposed to get married. No one knew that Monica had been having doubts until she told Tyler she couldn't marry him. Chandler stood frozen as she told him that in front of everyone. Tyler looked devastated and humiliated. Chandler almost felt sorry for him. While Chandler was comforting Monica, she was angry with him. Doesn't sound like Monica does it?  
  
  
I walk into Monica and Rachel's apartment, but don't see anyone inside. I know that Monica's home because she's barely left the apartment since she broke up with Tyler. She went to work and came home. She stayed in her room most of the day, not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone. Every time I come by to check up on her she's asleep. I walk over to her door and open it slowly.  
  
"Chandler, get out!" she yelled.  
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were dressing," I say while closing the door.  
  
"Well, you should have knocked."  
  
"I'm so so so sorry Mon."  
  
"Just leave Chandler."  
  
"All right. I'm sorry."  
  
I walk back to my and Joey's apartment feeling hurt. She had never yelled at me before. I don't know what has gotten into her. I know that she's going through a difficult time, but she seems to be taking her anger out on me more than anyone else. I walk into my room and close the door. The image of her bare back and her legs flash before me. It's weird but now, I'm no longer hurt. I just want to go over there and hold her in my arms. I know that it'll take a while before she's back to normal, so I'll just be here for her and not mention how much her being mean to me hurts my feelings.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
The next day, while I was coming out of my room, Chandler entered. We look at each other for a few seconds before I speak.  
  
"I just tried to call you."  
  
"Here I am," he said.  
  
I could tell by the sound of his voice that his cheerfulness was fake. I slowly walk over to him as he stands in the kitchen by the table.  
  
"Chandler, I'm really sorry for the way I snapped at you yesterday."  
  
"I shouldn't have just walked in."  
  
"I still shouldn't have yelled at you like that. It was an accident."  
  
"Apology accepted."  
  
********************************************************************  
  
I want so much to hug him for being so understanding, but I can't bare it. Every time I look at him, I'm reminded of our break up.  
  
"Thanks for being so understanding about this."  
  
When he smiled, I take his hand in mine and give it a squeeze. It's a reaction I don't think about before I do it. We've always been affectionate with each other, even before we started dating. I want to take my hand away instantly, but he holds on to it. I look into his gorgeous blue eyes and melt.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"What?" I ask, snapping out of it.  
  
"I said are you okay?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Why?"  
  
"I don't do know. You just have this far away look on your face."  
  
"I'll be fine."  
  
******************************************************************  
  
I find myself not wanting to let go of her hand. Why the hell did you throw away something so good? I ask myself. Of all the stupid things I've ever done in my life, not fighting for our relationship was the stupidest. I finally let go of her hand and sit at the kitchen table. Soon after, Ross and Phoebe enter.  
  
"Hey Mon."  
  
"Hey guys."  
  
"How are you today?" Ross asked.  
  
"I'm okay."  
  
"Good," Phoebe said.  
  
"Have you heard from Tyler yet?" Ross asked.  
  
"No. I've been trying to call him, but I only get his machine."  
  
"Monica, you still haven't told us why you called off the wedding," Phoebe said.  
  
"Look, I just started having doubts, that's all."  
  
"All right. We'll drop it." Ross said.  
  
I sit and watch her face. I can tell that she's not telling us the whole story. Something else kept her from marrying Tyler. I wanted to ask her so many times, but I didn't want to pressure her. She didn't want to talk about it with anyone. I'm hoping that she'll confide in me one of these days. She doesn't talk to me the way she used to. She used to be able to tell me anything. I miss that so much. I feel like I don't really know her that well anymore. I block out what she, Phoebe, and Ross are talking about. Instead, I watch her face for any trace of something else that might be going on inside her. It's hard to tell. She's laughing with them, but I can see the pain in her eyes. She's covering up how miserable she is. She's been doing it for a while, I finally realize. I thought that she was really happy while she was with Tyler. I wasn't paying much attention to her, because if I was, I would have noticed how unhappy she really was. Part of her was crying out, and I didn't see it. I was too busy hating Tyler. When he started dating Monica, we barely had anything to say to one another. I was furious with him and myself when they announced that they were engaged. Not only was I furious, but I felt like crying. At that moment, I felt like I had lost her forever.  
  
"What do you think Chandler?" Phoebe asked.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Where were you just now?" Monica asked.  
  
"I guess I just spaced out."  
  
"Chandler, are you okay?" Monica asked.  
  
"Yeah, I'm just a little tired."  
  
"Still not sleeping?" Ross asked.  
  
"Not really."  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
I look into his face, and for the first time realize that he has dark circles under his eyes. Something's bothering him. I wasn't even aware that he was having trouble sleeping. I've been spending so much time being angry with him for something that happened years ago that I didn't see that he's struggling with something. What kind of friend am I? He obviously needs me to be there for him, but he probably didn't mention that he hasn't been sleeping well because he's been so busy being here for me. I feel so incredibly horrible right now.  
  
Later that day, I walk into his and Joey's apartment. He's sitting at the counter eating. He looks a little surprised to see me.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Hey. What's going on?"  
  
"Well, earlier, when Ross mentioned that you haven't been sleeping, I felt really bad. I've been so busy being wrapped up in what's bothering me that I wasn't even paying attention to you. I know something's bothering you." I said sincerely.  
  
"I'm fine Mon."  
  
"Chandler, I know you. Something's wrong."  
  
"I'm just having a little trouble sleeping, that's all."  
  
"Yeah, but why?"  
  
"Monica I don't think.......  
  
"Chandler, I'm not leaving here until you tell me what's bothering you."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
As I look into her pretty blue eyes, I see concern for the first time in a long time. I don't want to tell her the truth, but I can't think of a lie to tell her. She stands in front of me waiting for me to pour my heart out to her. I see no other way out. I have to tell her.  
  
"Okay, you really want to know why I haven't been sleeping?"  
  
"Yes, I would."  
  
I look deep into her eyes and say.....  
  
"I still love you Monica," I said without taking my eyes off her.  
  
She looks surprised to hear me say that. Her mouth drops open and she backs away from the counter. When I noticed that she was about to turn and leave, I get up and hurry toward the door and stand in front of it to stop her.  
  
"I can't handle this right now Chandler."  
  
"You said that you wanted me to tell you why I can't sleep."  
  
"I also said that I wouldn't leave until you told me what was wrong with you, and you did. So now I'm leaving," she said angrily.  
  
"I don't get it. Why are you mad all of a sudden?"  
  
"Get out of my way Chandler!"  
  
"Mon, please talk to me," I pleaded.  
  
"I don't wanna talk anymore," she said, looking at the floor.  
  
"Why are you mad because I just told you that I love you?"  
  
"Chandler!"  
  
"Monica, please."  
  
"Because it's too late. We had a good thing and you blew it. You just pushed me away and that really really hurt!"  
  
"I was stupid."  
  
"Damn right!"  
  
I stare at her. Amazed at how angry she is with me. It all makes sense now. Her hurting my feelings, being mean and distant, comes from her anger towards me because of our breakup. I can't believe that I didn't notice this before.  
  
"So that's what this has all been about. You hate me for throwing away what we had."  
  
"Chandler, I don't hate you. I'm just pissed at you."  
  
"I can see that. Why didn't you ever mention this before?"  
  
"Because I didn't want to. I thought I could just get over you and get on with my life."  
  
"Is that why you didn't marry Tyler?"  
  
"I think you already know the answer to that."  
  
"Mon, I have apologized....  
  
"It doesn't matter," she interrupted.  
  
"I regret letting you go every day since we broke up."  
  
"You should."  
  
"Monica, you still love me don't you?"  
  
"I'm too angry to feel anything else," she said, glaring at him.  
  
The conversation was getting nowhere. I step to the side and allowed her to leave the apartment. She walked past me and slammed the door behind her. I feel worst than ever now. Not only am I in pain, but so is she, and it's all because of me. When we resumed our friendship, I didn't see a trace of anger in her. I guess it's gotten pretty difficult for her hide now. I want to go after her, but I decide that she needs some time to cool off. The last thing I want to is upset her even more. I stand by the door for a few seconds before walking into my room.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
I walk into my room and close the door. Chandler telling me that he still loves me, totally caught me off guard. When someone tells you that they love you, it's supposed to move you, not anger you. All the anger that I'd been hiding, finally came out. I didn't want it to come out like that, but I guess it was inevitable. I hate that Chandler and I aren't as close as we used to be. I wipe away the tears that has slid down my face and lye back on my bed. I look up at the ceiling wishing things had worked out with Chandler. All this time I thought that he had gotten over me. Now I find out that he never stopped loving me. The tears are coming more and more now and I don't try to stop them. I'm experiencing mixed feelings right now. It's confusing. I want Chandler to walk through this door and take me in his arms until I stop crying, but I also don't want to see him. I feel like I'm losing it. I don't know what to do. As my cries grow louder, Rachel enters my room.  
  
"Mon, honey what's wrong?" She asked.  
  
I quiet down and wipe my tears. She sits on my bed looking concerned.  
  
"I still love Chandler," I sat, sitting up.  
  
"Well, maybe you should tell him how you feel."  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"Are you afraid that he might not feel the same way?"  
  
"He just told me that he still loves me."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Why did he have to do this?"  
  
"Do what? Tell you how he feels?"  
  
"Why did he have to push me away? Why did he have to ruin what we had?"  
  
"Mon, only Chandler can answer that."  
  
"I know, but these are the questions I've been asking myself for years."  
  
"Monica, go talk to him."  
  
"I'm too upset."  
  
"Well, when you calm down, tell him how you feel."  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Monica, the two of you used to be so close. Do you really want to throw that away?"  
  
"No, of course not."  
  
"The two of you have a lot to talk about."  
  
"I know. Sometimes when I see him, I just get so angry."  
  
"If you would have dealt with this before, you wouldn't be so angry now."  
  
"Don't you think I know that?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"No, I'm sorry. I don't mean to take this out on you."  
  
"I know. Just think about what I said."  
  
Rachel gets up and leaves the room. I get up and just stand there. How could he tell me that? He has a lot of nerve. I just wanna go back over there and tell him off, but I can't bring myself to do so. I realize that I dragged the truth out of him, but why did he have to tell me that he loves me? He could have made up something. I'm so furious with him right now. I stand in the mirror looking at my reflection. Suddenly the expression on my face turns from anger to sadness. I'm angry with Chandler for telling me how he feels about me. I've always encouraged him to open himself up to me, yet I get angry with him for expressing himself to me and I storm out on him. How could I do that to him? I'm acting is if he had just told me that he hates me. I step away from the mirror and sit on my bed. I miss Chandler. I miss his friendship. I miss him as my boyfriend. I miss having him touch my face while gazing into my eyes. I miss feeling his lips touching mine. I miss feeling his arms being wrapped around me protectively. I miss us laughing together. I don't think I've ever missed anyone so much in my life. Chandler means the world to me, but all I can show him is how angry I am with him for not putting his all into the relationship we once had. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, and I've been treating him as if he did. What's wrong with me?  
  
************************************************************************  
  
I sit in the coffeehouse reading the newspaper. I've just read an article about a robbery, but I don't remember what I just read. My mind is preoccupied. I fold the newspaper and sit it next to me. Seconds later Ross and Monica stroll in. I get up off the couch as they come over to sit down. I don't look Monica in the face. I grab my newspaper, say hi to them, and leave. I walk back to the apartment as fast as I could. It just occurred to me that I'm angry with Monica. I let go and told her how I still feel about her and she gets mad and storms out on me. It really hurt my feelings. I can't change the past and what happened years ago between us. I don't know what to do. I want to make her see that I didn't hurt her on purpose. I really didn't expect our relationship to last as long as it did. I wasn't really aware of how distant I had become. I expected her to show a little more patience and understanding, but she didn't. In a way, she gave up also. She's been putting all the blame on me, when in fact it took the both of us to ruin our relationship. Realizing this, I become more and more angry with Monica. All this time I've been feeling guilty for how the relationship ended when it wasn't even all my fault. I entered the apartment. I lay my newspaper on the counter and go over and sit in my chair. I sit there without the TV on for a while. I just sit here thinking about how I could have done things differently. Monica interrupted my thoughts when she walked in. I turn around and glare at her.  
  
"Chandler, I didn't mean to be so rude before."  
  
"I'm getting used to it."  
  
"I just don't know how to handle this anger."  
  
"Well, maybe you should just keep your distance from me," I said angrily.  
  
"Your angry with me."  
  
"Good observation," I said sarcastically.  
  
"I don't blame you."  
  
"And you shouldn't."  
  
"Maybe I should go."  
  
"Maybe you should."  
  
"I'm sorry Chandler."  
  
She looks at me for a few seconds before leaving the apartment. I instantly feel bad for being mean to her, but I'm still angry at the same time. I know that I should go over and apologize, but I can't bring myself to get and go over there. Instead, I get up and go into my room. I turn on the radio and lye on my bed. Just then, the song, The Love We Had (Stays On My Mind) comes on.  
  
THE LOVE WE HAD (STAYS ON MY MIND)  
(BY DRU HILL)  
  
I just can't believe it girl  
I can't believe that it's over  
But I'm a man, and I'll be all right  
But still   
The Love We Had, Stays On My Mind  
  
Lately babe I've been thinking  
How good it was when you were here  
And ain't the wine that I've been drinking  
For once I feel my head is clear  
Early this morning   
When I opened up my eyes  
That old lonesome feeling took me by surprise  
I guess you meant more to me than I realized  
  
The love we had stays on my mind  
The love we had stays on my mind  
  
And lately girl  
I've been remembering the good times  
That we used to share  
My thoughts of you don't have an ending  
And memories of you are everywhere  
But what should I tell you  
Is not your concern  
You win some, you lose some  
Well I've lost, and I've learned  
Sisqo's so lonely with no place to turn  
  
The love we had stays on my mind  
Girl if you were nearer  
If you had a mirror maybe you could  
Count my tears  
And if you were nearer it would all be clearer  
How I wish that you were here  
How I wish that you were here  
  
And baby girl I was tired  
So I laid down to dream for a little while  
But lately I've been so, so uninspired  
Without the comfort of your smile  
But I'm not complaining  
Cause that's how it goes  
There's always some heartache  
In this world I suppose  
But you could hit a man's jones  
Like nobody knows  
  
The love we had stays on my mind  
The love we had stays on my mind  
The love we had stays on my mind  
  
Sometimes I get a little lonely  
I can't eat at night  
I can't sleep at night  
  
The love we had stays on my mind  
The love we had stays on my mind  
The love we had stays on my mind  
  
I lay here with tears in my eyes. I miss her so much I can't stand it. I also can't stand the fact that we're always angry with each other. We've always got along really well and had a lot in common with each other. Now the only things we have in common are anger and regrets. After hearing that song, I'm no longer filled with anger, but with sadness. I miss my sweetheart. I miss her gazing at me with that beautiful smile on her face. A smile that made me melt no matter what mood I was in. I hope that one day we'll be able to sit down and talk about everything. I hope that one day, she'll be able to forgive me.  
  
  
NEXT.........TOW THE SKI TRIP 


End file.
